Nocturnal thoughts!

It is 3 in the morning and keeping in mind my exams, shouldn't I be sleeping now? Deeply embraced by my sweet slumber. Probably floating across the roads of Italy or eating something delicious. But I am wide awake and sleep refuses to help me at this hour of time. After all, my efforts turned out to disaster, I must confess that somewhere deep in my heart echoes his name. Loud and painful, it reminds me of moments that we shared. Love is beautiful and so are breakups. How is it possible to stop loving someone who you immensely loved at some point in time? With him, yes, the relationship failed but love did not. I still feel the same for him and probably will continue to do so for the rest of life without a grain of regret.

Falling in love is pleasurable and being in love is difficult. The transition period is what tells you how strong your feelings are for that person. With him, I just fell in love without giving much thought about anything. I wish I had the capacity to love people unconditionally. The course of time that I spent with him was not selfless. That is the predicament with relationships. It is a whole package of selfish desires. People lie when they say their relationship is unconditional. It cannot be. Relationship is a fabricated word for narcissism. "Give me attention",  "Give me time", "You are mine" and so on.
Do I feel like listening to his voice? Yes. I want to talk to him, feel his warmth and tell him that I love him. But again, that would ruin everything. We parted, for good. At least I would like to think it was for good. What we had was beautiful and untarnished.  I broke up with him knowing that this major part of me will be gone forever and the level of commitment that I had with him will never happen again. And we did, parted ways and I miss him.

A friend of mine once told me that every time you miss someone special, send some light to that person I don't necessarily have to call or text him asking his well being. That would be chaotic. All I can do is wish him luck and happiness.

Darling, I really miss you. Hope you are happy. I will love you, always.

That is all I guess. This will stay, forever and beyond.
Infinities of love.

Wandering soul!

Dearest,

As I sit in this vaguely empty room filled with computers and books, it occurs to me how badly a major part of me wants to go away from all this chaos. A room filled with crimson smell of books, humanly odors, floating thoughts wavering every second fails to contain me here. I wish I could leave everything back and run as fast as I could and not turn back until I reach some place without any inhibitions.

Being free is the most pleasurable feeling and I don't remember the last time I had a chance to behold it. Probably among the mountains of Parvati or somewhere in the deep deep woods of Kodaikannal, I don't quiet remember now. Everything seems lucid and vague. Like a star far away that I could only see by straining my eyes. My memory seems to have forgotten the sweet taste of freedom. To live in the wilderness as wild.

Leaving is not easy. It means leaving everything and every one behind. Commitments, family, education, love, life that is already preset by social norms. I have started to wonder if I had a change to recreate my entire life, would I include anything from present. Probably not. As much I love my family and work, I cannot stay with me. The love that they bestow upon me is futile because sadly so, I cannot reciprocate it the way they expect it from me.

The problem is, a few people are born detached. I think I am one among them. Not that I am looking for a way to run away from commitments, on the contrary, I know I cannot. But, is it necessary to seek solace in love, always?

Lost,
D