Nocturnal thoughts!

It is 3 in the morning and keeping in mind my exams, shouldn't I be sleeping now? Deeply embraced by my sweet slumber. Probably floating across the roads of Italy or eating something delicious. But I am wide awake and sleep refuses to help me at this hour of time. After all, my efforts turned out to disaster, I must confess that somewhere deep in my heart echoes his name. Loud and painful, it reminds me of moments that we shared. Love is beautiful and so are breakups. How is it possible to stop loving someone who you immensely loved at some point in time? With him, yes, the relationship failed but love did not. I still feel the same for him and probably will continue to do so for the rest of life without a grain of regret.

Falling in love is pleasurable and being in love is difficult. The transition period is what tells you how strong your feelings are for that person. With him, I just fell in love without giving much thought about anything. I wish I had the capacity to love people unconditionally. The course of time that I spent with him was not selfless. That is the predicament with relationships. It is a whole package of selfish desires. People lie when they say their relationship is unconditional. It cannot be. Relationship is a fabricated word for narcissism. "Give me attention",  "Give me time", "You are mine" and so on.
Do I feel like listening to his voice? Yes. I want to talk to him, feel his warmth and tell him that I love him. But again, that would ruin everything. We parted, for good. At least I would like to think it was for good. What we had was beautiful and untarnished.  I broke up with him knowing that this major part of me will be gone forever and the level of commitment that I had with him will never happen again. And we did, parted ways and I miss him.

A friend of mine once told me that every time you miss someone special, send some light to that person I don't necessarily have to call or text him asking his well being. That would be chaotic. All I can do is wish him luck and happiness.

Darling, I really miss you. Hope you are happy. I will love you, always.

That is all I guess. This will stay, forever and beyond.
Infinities of love.

Wandering soul!

Dearest,

As I sit in this vaguely empty room filled with computers and books, it occurs to me how badly a major part of me wants to go away from all this chaos. A room filled with crimson smell of books, humanly odors, floating thoughts wavering every second fails to contain me here. I wish I could leave everything back and run as fast as I could and not turn back until I reach some place without any inhibitions.

Being free is the most pleasurable feeling and I don't remember the last time I had a chance to behold it. Probably among the mountains of Parvati or somewhere in the deep deep woods of Kodaikannal, I don't quiet remember now. Everything seems lucid and vague. Like a star far away that I could only see by straining my eyes. My memory seems to have forgotten the sweet taste of freedom. To live in the wilderness as wild.

Leaving is not easy. It means leaving everything and every one behind. Commitments, family, education, love, life that is already preset by social norms. I have started to wonder if I had a change to recreate my entire life, would I include anything from present. Probably not. As much I love my family and work, I cannot stay with me. The love that they bestow upon me is futile because sadly so, I cannot reciprocate it the way they expect it from me.

The problem is, a few people are born detached. I think I am one among them. Not that I am looking for a way to run away from commitments, on the contrary, I know I cannot. But, is it necessary to seek solace in love, always?

Lost,
D

Ranting!

It has again been a long long time since I wrote anything at all. Perhaps I should erect a statue for my insincerity towards anything. Well, expect for my laziness. Now that my exams are on the verge of taking my life away, I got an epiphany to you know, blog. Mostly vent out how disgusting it is to study and give exams.

The other day I had plans to travel to a new place and to live in the wilderness for a nice amount of time. Thanks to my life, just like always it came in between and shattered my cozy dreams. Hence, I am unguarded for my exams. I will have to face the wrath all by myself and most of all, alone.

I constantly keep wondering these days if it is normal to lose excitement towards everything. There were things that amused me. Travelling, reading, meeting new people and the list goes on. But now everything seems grey and dull. Mostly, pointless. At the end of the day, futility overtakes me and I immerse myself into a deep slumber, only to wake up feeling bad in the morning. Is it because of my fast approaching exams or is it something else that I am unable to decipher presently?

The point I am trying to weave out is nothing. I want to rant and right now, it is the only possible thing striking me. Rant and rant, till I properly get bored or tired and magically regain my amusement towards something. Until then, you are my boxing bag!

Broken!

Fallen over the isolated land
broken and bruised
we lay beside each other,
stagnate and weak.
What once was a whole,
lays shattered into pieces.
What once we built
has now become ashes.
Yet we lay in each other's company,
With those tormenting past
that nurtures our broken skin
to reconcile,
Someday.

In the finding!

I walked across the broken land of Hampi, under the sun blazing its love all over the place. Tired from the past and dissatisfied with the present, I stepped inside a broken temple. Broken architecture has never failed to allure me with its story. As a writer, I have loved breathing in different stories from different people. Looking at this one majestic temple which now has fallen down with time, chaos and struggle, I wondered how much I can relate to it. Isn't it how life is? So glorious at once and then, absolutely weak to move forward. Everything around is just a perfect allegory to life. Everything has its story which is at some point of time happy and pompous but with time, loses everything until the very existence of it disappears into the ground.

As I laid my hands against the disfigured sculpture, I felt a rush within me. Like all these while the piece of stone survived to narrate its tale and I, waiting to listen to it. I still have not conquered the art of weaving out stories that I inhale. Somehow I feel, it dissolves within me and merges with my soul. May be that is why I feel heavy from within. May be that is while I feel empty. But, Something did change after my trip. Something I thought was mine slipped beautifully out of skin and vanished. Is this what everyone feels after travelling? A step closer to realizing that there is absolutely nothing that we can hold onto. A complete obscurity of thoughts that drifts apart slowly and most importantly, painfully.

Everything is on its way to the river, said Hughes. I guess that is what is the truth, The ultimate reality of life. Everything is on its way to destruction. It is very paradoxical that we still brag about our identity in this transience. We lead an anonymous life veiling ourselves with an identity that flies away with time. So who are we to rely upon and how to really accept this flow of nature? How to not get attached? I wish I could answer these questions. I wish I knew the answers. But, I don't. Not this time. Until I find a redemption to this vicious circle of life, I am going to wander like a leaf fallen out of the tree. Get stamped on, lose my colors and be torn apart. Because by the end, I believe I will have something to tell. My story to narrate to yet another wanderer.